An open letter to my daughter

6/18/2020

Ellie, 

I write this letter in hopes that one day, when you are older, you will come across it. Either on your own or with the help of family. I also write this on the eve of my first Father’s Day. A day that I would not be able to celebrate if not for you. I don’t know what this day will hold, but I want you to know that I don’t want or need anything material. I have it already. 

You have just drifted asleep, and have closed out another day of amazement and wonder. Each day, is a brand new adventure, full of surprise and hope. Every morning we share our laughs and “Good mornings”, as I go from being fun and silly dad to a uniformed shell of myself. You will go on to eat breakfast in anticipation of an experience that is completely brand new. You will meet new people, try new things, and see the world in only a perspective you have. The world is large, vast, and amazing. I will do everything I can to show you that. 

The world right now however, is nothing short of a complete shit show. Humanity is trying to combat an lesser known virus, while society battles in various protest surrounded by politics and institution. I can’t help but appreciate how young you are during this awful time, solely for the fact that you will not remember it happening. I hope that as a society we come out of this in a new way. A world of hope, acceptance, and understanding. And if we don’t, I hope that you do everything in your power to spread hope, acceptance, and understanding. Always always always, stand up for the little guy. Get involved in your community, and defend what is right. Understand early that not everyone will want to be your friend, nor will everyone like you. And that is okay, because you don’t have to like anyone else. That what makes the world great. If I could offer one quote that makes life easier to handle, it would be that “you don’t have to like it, you just have to do it”. The sooner that you accept that you’re not always going to get your way, and you will not always win, the easier it all becomes. Learn this early. 

Don’t take life too seriously, and find the beauty, and more importantly, humor, in all things. There are A LOT of head cases out there. Some will be closer than others to you. Keep them at an arms distance and stay on their good side. There are many who are in positions of authority that shouldn’t be, and that’s not for you to decide. Work hard, be respectful, and everything will shake out in the end. In the event that it doesn’t shake out, it wasn’t meant to be. 

There are many lessons that I will teach you along the way, and each has come from a lesson that I learned. Please make every effort to learn from others, as well as my mistakes, and avoid making them on your own. I know there will come a time where you have it all figured out, and I can tell you that you do not. The same way that I thought I had it all figured out, and I didn’t. This world and life is a constantly evolving situation, and if you can learn to roll with the punches and take a blow, the further you will go. 

I speak from a point of wisdom and hope. I lived a completely different life prior to your arrival. I have seen some of the most horrific and tragic things that humanity has to offer, and as your father, I will do everything in my power to ensure you never have to witness the same. 

Currently, I am going through a personal nightmare, but you are not supposed to know that. Each day, I am pushed emotionally and mentally to levels that I did not think were humanly possible. And each and every single day, I am elated to walk in that door, see that smile and excitement on your face, simply because dad is home. To be completely honest, this is what keeps me going. This is why I get up everyday and power through. This is why I put up with the stress, the drawn out days, the ridicule, and the emotional drain. Because once I get to see you, it all just disappears. With that said, if I bring that home, it’s never intentional and purely accidental. I would never ever intend to hurt you. 

You have given me the ability to see the world through a brand new lens. Everyday is a refreshing start and an opportunity to make a brand new discovery. These are the types of things you normally read on someone’s “desperate for attention” social media posts. An excuse for people to send them meaningless electronic “hopes and prayers”. By the time you read this, I can only imagine what the next media craze will be. Rest assured, I’m sure it will not be something good, and probably further destroy humanity. Do yourself a favor, don’t become that person. 

Don’t ever be afraid to do what makes you happy. If you want to sing, sing loud enough for everyone to hear you. If you want to dance, dance like

Nobody is watching. Don’t be afraid to be yourself, in the grand scheme of it all, your pursuit of happiness only matters to you. Just don’t let your happiness be anything illegal.

Let it be known, it was difficult to write all this. I used to have no issues in writing and it came freely. I would write to convey emotion and relieve stress. In hopes that if someone else in a similar situation felt the same, they would know they aren’t alone. When the time comes, I encourage you to write. You will come upon a time in school where you have to write about what they want you to right about or read what they want you to. That will probably deter you the same way it deterred me. I never enjoyed English and writing at the time, however when I got to college (which I am in no way recommending. Look at your mother’s success compared to mine...) it was able to let my interests and ideas hit the proverbial paper, and it flowed freely. Don’t pigeon hole yourself with other people’s ideas, you’ll have plenty of your own to put out to the world. 

Do great things, make good choices, and at the end of the day, I will always be there for you. 

Thank you for making me a father. I love you,

Dad. 

Confessions of the Fire Inspector...

“So what would you say, you do here?”

“What exactly is it that the fire inspector does? Why are you here? There’s nothing on fire!” some of the common questions you are faced with when greeting a business owner or tenant. “I’m not responsible if anything is wrong.” My personal favorite is, “I didn’t do it! They did it! Arrest them!” as a joke to our uniforms looking similar to law enforcement. This is followed by a chuckle induced on their part, and an awkward explanation that I’m not the police. (Which usually makes me wonder what this person may have done that this is their first reaction.) You explain why you are there to perform your inspection. As a matter of fact, Aside from insurance company, (or OSHA post-accident) we are the only ones that perform an inspection on a routine basis. And why is that? Why is it that the fire service is the only agency out to ensure safety of the public in terms of unsafe structures?

I find that to be a rhetorical question. As with most things in this fire service, we devout ourselves to Life safety. It is our universal creed to “protect life and property”. This is something that is on display when there is a fire. There is smoke, flames, commotion, and action. Water is flowing, lights are flashing, and radios blaring. Jargon is thrown around and understood by all involved, while countless onlookers can’t help but be enamored by the brave and heroic actions performed in front of their eyes. Their motions seem seamless. Ladders being thrown into the sky, humans climbing into a dangerous caves of heat and flames, all while those working stay calm and collected.

Sounds pretty wild and exciting right? But there is another side to the fire service. The other guys. The fire inspectors. They are like the hall monitors of the real world. “Don’t do this, don’t use that. This is against code. This is has to be repaired.” We are the last people a business owner wants to see for fear of two things, Shutting down their business due to safety risk, or assessing penalties and taking from their profits. However, it is the goal to not have to do this at all. The last thing any fire inspector wants to do, is create tension from those we are trying to protect, and themselves. We are in the business of safety, we want everyone to be safe and not have to worry about their own safety when working or visiting in our jurisdiction. In a perfect world, everything would never be a risk, but that’s not why we are here. We take our jobs seriously, some more serious than others, but our goal is to keep not only fires, but disasters from happening.

We do not have legal right to inspect private dwellings, a man’s home is his castle, and we can’t tell them how to live. Statistically, most fires occur within living dwellings, and aside from Community Risk Reduction programs, our hands are tied. Whoa, he just threw out a term, what’s it all mean? Community risk reduction is a fairly new concept to the fire service. Although forms of it have been around for decades, this is the new fancy term. It’s a simple concept, figure out what is causing harm in your community, and fix it. If your community is having an issue with car accident, you launch a campaign to reducing distracted driving. If you identify that senior citizens are unable to maintain their household smoke and carbon monoxide detectors, you implement a program to change their batteries and install detectors. It is not reinventing the wheel, and if you spin it in the right direction you can shed a positive light on what the functions your agencies provide. Sometimes something as simple as changing a battery makes a world of impact to a resident.

Although we cannot tell people how to live, we can educate them on safe practices. The overwhelming majority of adults don’t know how dangerous extension cords are. Many made from cheap materials overseas and often overloaded due to societies dependency on various forms of electronics. Once you hit a certain part of your education, it’s assumed that you understand how to prevent fires from happening. In my experience it is something that needs to constantly be taught. Before media and viral videos were a thing, our delivery method was to educate the children and hoping that the kids will speak to their parents over dinner.

One particular jurisdiction I worked for, utilized a video released by a worldwide recognized association, used a scare tactic of a missing child in a fire. This scared the living hell out of these kids, only to have her happily and cheerfully return at the end of the video because she was “staying at a friend’s house during the night of the fire”. Ha-ha that old gag! Complaints flooded in and the video was never shown again. But it worked. It got the family talking. Although that was not a great tactic, as a profession and with the use of social media, we have been able to make leaps and bounds on being able to spread information to the masses.

Which, Side story: Every year in October, we as a profession designate a week to educate the masses, each year it’s a battle for children’s attention in hopes that they will retain some of the information we present them. However, something refreshing happened yesterday. I delivered a presentation to a group of special needs adults, who were genuinely excited to see us. It wasn’t forced, it wasn’t scripted, and it was fun! (Not that presentations with children are not fun). But they were excited for us, and we were excited to answer their questions. They even taught us a few things.

So aside from us educating the public, we ensure safety in the buildings people use every day. The malls, the supermarket, office buildings, the circus, anywhere the public has access to, we inspect routinely. Why? To ensure the public can safely attend and leave in the event of an emergency. As society has evolved, fires are less and other forms of mass evacuation are more common. Which further emphasizes the job that we do in keeping the public safe. The best part, 99.9% of the population, don’t have any idea that we do this, until something doesn’t go to plan. But that’s why we are here, to make sure that simple things like doors and emergency lighting function when the excrement strikes the oscillator.

In the event something does occur and there is a fire, we take on the responsibility of investigating it. We have an obligation to the public to discover why the fire happened and to prevent it from happening again. This occurs not only on a local level but on a national level. We utilize a national incident reporting system that allows us to enter our findings and compare them across the nation to find trends. These reports and investigation help to identify consumer product defects, thus keeping the public safe.

This line of work is not always exciting. Many times, it is far from it. (Nobody aside from myself and a few select eager beavers have gotten excited about codes) However, when you take a step back and look at what we do on a daily basis, it’s a pretty unknown. But those who know the job, know we keep disasters from happening, all while most don’t know we are doing it.

(All those words to make checking exit signs and fire extinguishers seem exciting. Happy Fire Prevention Month!)

Ignorance Is Bliss...

Although it has been quite a while since writing, (and I’ve been okay with that) I can’t help but find myself more and more profound with the world around me. This past weekend I witnessed many of my peers who live a life in a manner that I can only assume as absentminded. They live with no fear of repercussion, no fear of failure, no desire for success, no anything. It is something that I have profoundly regarding the town I grew up in. They are simply just there. They strive to simply exist. Be a number on a list. No strive for greatness, no right or wrongs, just there. I thought of this on my car ride home and came to the conclusion, why can’t I have this?

I try not to throw a temper tantrum and cry like the millennial I am accused of being by my coworkers. But why not me? Why can’t my wife and I live that careless/carefree lifestyle where nothing that you do or say will come back to haunt you. I’m tired of having those sleepless nights were I’m kept up by reconsidering every decision I’ve ever made in my entire life. Ehhh I’m sick of that. Gimme that other style of life. I just want to live a life with my head in the sand, if I didn’t see it, it can’t be true, and fake news. You know, one of those ignorance is bliss lifestyles. I’m tired of being the one to have any sense of reasoning. I want the other way of thinking. The one where I can make knee jerk reactions and simply just live based off of what I’m told on social media with no attempt on my own to determine if it is truth or not. Just a sheep in the flock. I go where the flock goes, I eat what the flock eats, and I don’t dare stray from the flock.

I strayed from the flock years ago, I got a chance to see the world around me in a different light, and I thought that this was an amazing thing. But the older I get, the more I’m surrounded by those who decide that the world is too unsafe outside of my little town. And anyone that isn’t from here, is wrong. Taking a step back, at 29, I’m learning that the world is full of people that are upset when others try to play in their sandbox. No matter what the age, playground rules apply. It’s simply broken down to “if you’re not from here, I don’t trust you”.

Now as much as I bitch here about this, I couldn’t imagine living such a one sided way of life, I’m not saying you have to go far, I have lived in various parts of the state I am from, I have adopted other people, other cultures, and most importantly other points of view! I see a culture of people who are terrified to ask why, for fear they will be ousted or possibly be viewed as going against the flock. It’s sad, it’s disheartening, and it seems that I’m swimming against the tide with this idea. Again, maybe I have been just chosen not to notice this for fear of breaking what little faith I have in humanity left, but if someone could please stop the earth, I’d like to get off.

Marrying your best friend

(I attempted to upload photos of the day, however the blog software would not permit them to be added. Prolly because they are too beautiful) 

So now that I have had a few days to process and I’m able to talk about the event... the only thing that comes to mind is, “Holy shit!” I never had a doubt in my mind that I was in love with MARE!, we have an incredible relationship and our bond was beyond amazing. Hell, when her and I met, I felt an incredible pit in my stomach, from there we would find that we had wayyyy too much in common. The same sick sense of humor, dislikes the same things, and most importantly our ability to laugh off whatever adversity came our way. I thought that I had my emotions under control. 

I had a feeling that I was going to tear up. Hell I had a feeling I was going to ball, but I had no idea the amount of power one person can have over the other (“the power of love” makes so much more sense now!)

But then as I stood there in that garden with my back to the crowd. I found myself filling with joy and anxiety. I feel a tap on the shoulder and find myself crippled. I can’t move. I breathe heavy and turn to my right side. My dominant side, the side you always turn to. I look and see the most heartwarming smile and beautiful smile. Her face looking as perfect as ever and the way I’ve seen her everyday. In my opinion there is nothing worse than not recognizing your wife on your wedding day, because of the clown makeup that a self proclaimed Instagram makeup artist attempted to display as “art”. No no, she was as perfect as the day I saw her. And the dress. My god did you see that dress? She looked AMAZING! 

I broke. I broke so hard. I flood of emotions hit me so hard. Similar to being hit by a brick. We both wiped one another’s tears as our families and bridal party looked on. Cameramen capturing the entire moment (which will cause another flood of emotion once those get sent to us). 

Allow me to backtrack, this was all after I split my pants while attempted to climb into the rescue truck that was transporting us to the wedding. Huge shout out to the manager Fred, who took care of me. He quickly told me to drop my pants. This provided a bonding moment between my groomsmen, my father, and my father in law as I stood in a small suite, dressed to the nines from the waist up. Once patched up, I stepped outside to the 2nd happiest moment of my life. 

Let us jump back to the events of the day... from that moment we took photos upon photos upon photos. We captured some of the most gorgeous, breathtaking, and beautiful views West Paterson NJ, had to offer. However, none of that matters. I only saw one thing. Her. 

As we prepared to see her walk down the aisle. I once again thought I had it together (Wrong).  The groomsmen took a few swigs from a half drunken bottle of champagne, we cheered to the future, to Health, and happiness. As a nice jab at my job as a fire inspector, we all hit the exit sign above the door. Think similar to the fighting Irish slapping the “play like a champion today” sign on the field approach from the locker room. We smacked that sign for happiness and good luck. We smacked it as a bond of friends. We all went to our respective spots on the dance floor. We all stood in deep anticipation. Which was funny because the entire bridal party had been taking photos for several hours before that. 

I quickly look around the room and I’m immediately overcome with happiness. All of these amazing people that have had such a positive impact on our lives, all in one place, at one time! The thought of this and the fact that It will more than likely never happen again was a tough feeling to swallow over the last few days. I have been having quick little episodes of feeling that have been reducing me to tears. I snap back to reality as I hear the opening to the bridesmaids entrance song. (If you’d like to relive the moment, the song was ‘Falling slowly’ covered by the vitamin string quartet. The song has been covered many times but it is from the motion picture and musical “Once”. I was a fan of the movie and MARE! Surprised me with tickets to see it on broadway before they ended their run.) 

The first few notes of the song mixed with the beauty of the bridesmaids walking through the door was too much. I was doing okay, until my sister and Ashley both told me not to cry as they walked down the aisle. At that point, I lost it in anticipation of knowing what was about to come. As the song changed to the bridal entrance, I broke again. My best man behind me hand on my back. It was an amazing moment of friendship between him and I. The picture still humbled me out and is a moment I will cherish forever. From there I hear other groomsman getting choked up. The room getting choked up. Everyone was choked up. As her father handed of his daughter. The flood came back again. 

As I helped her step onto the altar, my brain realized there was nobody else in that room but her. Hell for the rest of the night there was nobody in that room. The ceremony was absolutely perfect. 

Once it was able to start because I couldn’t control myself. Damn leaky eyes. Our vows were exchanged in a sentimental yet comical way as I flipped through my notebook to find my vows. The rings were exchanged. As the reverend started to announce, “Now by the power vested in me...”, I couldn’t help but let out a huge ear to ear smile with a firm grip on my now wife’s hands. I didn’t hear anything else but, “you may now kiss the bride”. At that time we shared the most passionate kiss in the history of our time together. Again, I was overcome. The amount of love and happiness in that room is something I can’t put into words. Euphoric? Magical? Wonderful? I’m yet to find a way to pin point it. 

The cocktail hour was filled with happy people sharing drinks and food. As they all came and congratulated us. I felt terrible I was able to speak to everyone there. Time was moving very very fast. Before we knew it, the cocktail hour was over, and the part was on. 

Our DJ, Dave Mondo, absolutely killed it. I can’t say enough about his craft. I threw out some ideas and let the artist do his work. The dance floor was packed for the entire night. Hell the guy packed the floor just by playing “this is how we do it”. It was game on from there. The rest of the night flew by at light speed. The alcohol helped by greasing the rails for that to happen. The next morning I woke up piecing back together the events as if it was a scene from ‘Weekend at Bernie’s.’ 

The following days I found myself in a state of disbelief. Not to be cliche, but it felt like “It was all a Dream”. The following two days I just continued to cry every time I realized that there were so many people who loved and support us with us that night. I also tear up knowing that I am the most lucky man in the world. I imagine that this is kind of like winning the lottery, but better. It was that night that I realized that there are a lot more people who have my back than I had imagined. It’s an amazing sensation that has had a tremendous impact on me. At that time it made me want to be an even better man. 

As I write this, I am sitting on the plane en route to my honeymoon destination in Aruba. As we speak, every time I glance at my wife, a tear comes to my eye. I assume that one day, it will stop. But at the same time, I don’t want to. I don’t ever want to lose that sensation about someone. I never want to lose that love, and I never want to leave her side. 

Sorry, I'm just the bar back.

So recently, I have decided to take on a side gig out of my wheelhouse to earn some extra cash. Why you may ask? Because who doesn't need a lil walking around money? A dear friend of mine needed someone to fill in a bar back position. I have not worked in the commercial food industry since my brief high school stint at the Outback Steakhouse, but I was willing to give it a try.

I had been looking for a mindless job for a while now. Something completely separate from work that I can just go in, work, and leave with my money. Something simple and simple it is. I could not bear to bring myself to get back on the ambulance and force myself back into a life of sleeplessness, lizard slinging, and drama(not that the restaurants don't have their drama, but it ain't like ems).

The work is back breaking. But quite humbling. Lifting kegs onto shelves, cleaning the bar, bussing, restocking, and more cleaning keep you busy. The breaks come when you take the trash out to the to the dumpsters and briefly converse with those also seeking a quick break of fresh air and temporary salvation from the depths of the customer service wormhole. But at the same time it's exciting. It's not dealing with life and death. I don't have to worry about peril at every turn. People all have their reason to be at the bar. And I personally love being able to witness the events that bring them there. It's a honor to have a front row seat to this side of human behavior.

The effect of this work behind the bar has drastically cut down on my drinking, in that I haven't had the energy or motivation to have a drink. Not that it was a problem or that you can say it wasn't a problem. (You can't physically say that you "don't have a drinking problem", without giving the appearance you have a drinking problem. Go ahead. Try saying it out loud, it can't be done).

One thing that is the most eye opening is seeing perspective of the world from the other side of the bar. You never really see how sloppy people get until you're the sober person watching them. The most comical are those trying to score at the bar. These strangers are not into you, but I admire your admiration and courage to try anyway. Cheers to you mate.

The upsetting part is that sometimes I cannot do more because I am simply just a bar-back. The lowly laborer of the nightlife industry. I'm sorry you have to wait a few extra minutes for that drink. But someone is on the way. Fear not. Your continued consumption is only a few minutes away.

The nights are long and they leave me tired and sore. But I leave with a shit ton of singles in my pocket and having cash that your able to stash away is a nice feeling. Granted I'm not around as much as I'd like, but it's allowing me to take on something to distract me from the daily life, make some extra cash, and work with a bunch of what seems to be really good people.

However I am highly suspect of a few... that or they are suspect of me... it's going to turn into a Mexican stand off. I can feel it. Either way, I'll see you at the bar, I'll clean your glass and remove the trash.

Teamwork

Due to a firestorm in my mind, the blog is a few weeks delayed. 

When most people think of "teamwork" they consider everyone working to achieve a common goal. That is the most standard definition of teamwork. "A group of people working together to achieve a common goal." 

So everyday these strangers just come together and magically, things just fall into place without any issues. Right? That's how teams work? There's never any tension or problems. Everything falls into place. 

In my free time, I volunteer myself coaching a youth lacrosse team. These are kids from a town that I don't live in, that the coaching staff and myself give our time to instruct a team of kids on this amazing sport. Each year, we have a few returning players, and alternatively we always have several come out to learn the game and try something new (which is one of my favorite parts). This is an opportunity to sculpt a young person from knowing nothing about this game, to taking this sport as a life lesson and empowering them that despite the outcome, you fight until the end.  

Allow me to elaborate, For those who don't know what lacrosse is, it's a team sport in which mimics war. The game was founded by the Indians and its name translates to "little brother of war". Basically, it was a way for the warriors to play war while not in battle. The game of lacrosse appears to be a combination of many sports, however this becomes a battle of which came first... lacrosse or the other sport. 

With this being a team sport it's easy to say that teamwork is to accomplish victories... and it could be. But for me as a coach, it is something much more. It's being able to accept that there is no such thing as a one man battle. Despite how you may face an opponent whether in the game or in life, you are only accomplishing your part in the bigger picture. A term thrown around on our team, is "you are only as strong as your weakest link". As a coach, it is my responsibility to take these weaknesses and turn them into strengths.

It is no easy feat to engage kids in a multi-disciplined sport, with novice athletes, all while trying to keep everyone interested for the 90 minutes allotted for practice. Kids today are under an incredible amount of stress (so I am told), and as a youth sports coach, you are forced to adapt to their stress. This also must be done for no pay, all while handling your stresses. 

One thing that I always cherished by coaching was the ability to step away from everything that's going on. I was able to leave all my nonsense and bullshit aside, and able to focus on one thing. Sometimes you need that activity to focus your attention on to just escape for those 90 minutes. Granted, it has its moments. Losses are never fun, when you can't see a particular skill get honed, or the team has reached a stalemate, it's not the best of times. But I've learned that it's these difficult times that truly make you excel as a coach and leader.

In my experience, if you have never experienced loss, you have never experienced life. Yes winning is great, and being the champions is a great feeling, but losing builds character. As a kid my parents got me involved in wrestling. A sport where there is no help and you can only rely on yourself. My first two years. I didn't win a single match. I had my ass handed to me week in and week out. Most kids would have quit and never looked back. However quitting was never an option. Each year I would become better and better. Each year I would train harder and harder. By the time it was my last year of wrestling I managed to win the district tournament. A bittersweet ending to my wrestling career. And although it only lasted for 8 years, I still use the lessons I learned then that I use today. 

For the record, this is a Gretzky quote and long sticks miss most of their shots. 

As a coach today, I take a piece that all of my coaches have given me today and apply it to those I instruct. Some of the key phrases are dated but the lessons hold true.  

"Everyday your are practicing is one more day of practicing than your opponent" - HS football. This one pretty self explanatory but it holds true that everyday you are out there getting better when te weather is bad or you don't feel like it, is just more dedication than your opponent has. 

"Suffer in silence" - youth wrestling. When players would being to whine and moan about having to put the work in, or complain about being sore, 'suffer in silence' was usually exclaimed. Nobody cares that you're sore. Nobody cares that you are tired. Get stronger, get faster, get gritty, and overcome. 

"It's only illegal if you get caught" - I won't say which sport I learned this. It was uttered when calls did not go our way. It always was uttered when we would sometimes get away with a bit too much. 

The most important, "teamwork". Every year one kid tries to preach family. Sadly we are not a family program. Family is when you're together more than your biological family. St. Peter's prep football was a family. The firehouse is a family. We were a team. As each year goes by, we get better and we are becoming a family in someways. But teamwork has a ring to it. A deeper meaning. It means we're aren't a family that came in together. We all came from different places and we all bring a certain thing to the table. Each one of those things has a staple into this team and allows us to learn and be understanding of one another. Not just on the team, but as humans. 

We laugh, have fun, get angry, get bruised, get sore, get upset, and most importantly get better. A team develops amongst each other. A team gets from point A to point B. Teamwork is fuel that drives us there. 

Try as I might, I'm just not that into it as much anymore...

I have come to realize that I no longer enjoy some of my favorite past times like I have in the past. I have started to no longer look forward to the things I have in the past. Example: I used to look forward to Saint Patrick’s Day, I longed for the day and the American traditions like corned beef and green beer that came along with the day. The feeling that everyone is Irish on what we joke is the “high holy day”. This year, I couldn’t get into it. Try as I might, Couldn’t do it.

For some reason this year, despite all the practicing leading up to the festivities, I have found myself choosing to become an introvert and stay home instead. This isn’t me. Or is it? Have I finally hit the wall that I have grown tired of everyone that I would choose to sleep rather than socialize? I used to love to hit the town and socialize, I used to thoroughly enjoy the 3am trips to the diner and once in a life time stories of crazy nights. Now I seem to have traded them in for a pillow. Is this growing up? Does it happen that suddenly that you no longer fade away, you just halt at one time?

I am sure this is just a funk that I am in. I am trying to adjust to a new job, prepare for a wedding, and all still try to succeed at life all at one time. And then it suddenly struck me. I just need to let it happen. Whatever is going to happen, is just going to happen.

I have put myself through so much stress and agony trying to force things in life for what I thought was success. But then things seem to fall back on me going to wherever the universe feels I belong. And that I am put in places to gain knowledge and teach a lesson.

Example: When I met Mare, I was highly inebriated after making up for lost time, after taking a fire test for a place that I thought I wanted to have a career. I did get the job, but found the person I saw myself spending the rest of my life with. When I was injured in the police academy, I was showed the importance of being a human to people rather than gloating authority over one another. When I was picked back up by my previous job, I was able to gain an incredible amount of experience in a very short time, experience that I would have never gained anywhere else. I put an application in and found myself in my current position. Again, in a place I would have never imagined being, but doing something that I enjoy doing. Granted, it is not the face paced environment I was in at the previous place, but I am able to live a somewhat stable lifestyle again. And that is a big thing for me now.

In a conversation I had with a friend a few weeks ago. I have embraced the cards I am being dealt and no longer trying to force my hand for something better. I’ve dealt with the heart break and the let downs. I have had enough of the rejections and lows of being told “sorry but at this time we have decided to go in a different direction”. It’s a feeling like no other.

But one thing that it does, it makes you tough. My experiences thus far have taught me how to see the brighter side of everything. And not to be cliché, but I’m looking on the bright side of life (do-do,do-do,do-do,do-do). Sure things didn’t go to plan, but something else will surely fall into place. Maybe you don’t go out partying, and another opportunity presents itself for you. Maybe you decide to stick out that place that you don’t like at the moment, because brighter horizons are coming up in the future. To some, seem to fall into place without any effort at all, no sense of struggle, heartbreak, or challenge. As for me, I can relate to the underdog who gets knocked down and back up again. That’s the person I’d like to share a drink with.